#chaos

“He brings our chaos back into order, he makes the orphan a son and daughter…”

My husband and I are taking this AMAZING class (by taking I mean auditing, and getting to pretend to be a cool college kid with Starbucks coffee cups and new highlighters) that delves into middle eastern culture, specifically culture of the early old testament biblical peoples. its amazing how words, meanings, and depth get stretched, lost, and morphed when put into English. one particular mind blowing class dealt with chaos.

In the early times, the word “yom” which roughly translates to “salty walters” or “ocean” was meant to represent chaos. Chaos that threatened our way of life, and land-ultimately a representation of destruction. Chaos was constantly nipping at the world created, the same way the ocean hugs the shore. When Elohim created the world, he separated the waters in two to create land; he divided the chaos, and ordered it in a way that we could survive.

The Ancient cultures viewed Chaos, or Yom as constantly trying to take life as we know it- our order, our community- and destroy it. Community was defined as living interdependently- independent, but always with an open hand. You lived to take care of those around you, and your community was your family.

It’s funny to think that in this day and age, we look at having our own individual lives in order. We are so bound up with the idea that our own homes have to be a certain way, our jobs, family, and even bodies have to fit a standard- but none of this is for the betterment of our community. We let chaos into our personal lives, we don’t even realize the chaos that is ravaging our communities.

#struggle

I struggle so much with discipline. disciple to walk away from places I should not be, to look away from things I should not see, and stop listening to things I should not hear. I lack discipline to stop speaking when I should, to not embellish stories, to not speak white lies. I lack discipline to not talk myself up, slightly put others down, stop gossiping, and harness my tongue. I lack discipline to consistently pray, seek his face, and read his word. I lack discipline to walk away from sugar and snacks. I lack discipline.

I have moments when I do well, and I am consistent, and I love the benefits.  love feeling healthy, love feeling closer to God, love having strong relationships based on truth. but then the sin creeps in. yesterday was horrible. I fell in one area I have been trying so hard to control. and I realize 1. if I am control I will continue to fail and 2. the sin I am committing causes others to sin. after doing said wrong deed, I told myself I would spend time in prayer to repent. I could not even bring myself to do that. I distracted myself with mindless tv and slept. I couldn’t bring myself to sit and reflect on my struggle.

this morning’s devotion focused on Potipher’s wife- we see her as the temptress, the seductress- the sinner. but I can be like that, I can tempt others to sin in small ways, and yet its so easy to demonize her.

 “Joseph recognizes sin as rejection of the one true God. The God who was with him in the pit. The God who was with him when his brothers sold him into slavery, and the God who will be with him when he is thrown into prison as a result of the lie Potiphar’s wife tells her husband. Because Joseph loved God and knew God’s love, he was able to escape and run from evil.”

Joseph RAN and escaped. Give me the strength to run Lord. give me that fear when I approach sin that I want to run and hide, not curiously draw near. help me to find strength in you. doing it my way only causes failure. over and over again.

#dislike

I am generally a happy joyful person. I love people, and i invest in them. it doesn’t matter what your background is, what you’ve done, i am pretty open to talking to and getting to know new people. i was judged a lot when i was younger, and i try not to do that to others.

BUT sometimes investing in people emotionally, and even spiritually can be painful. it hurts when you’ve opened up to someone, encouraged them, hosted them, and later on find out that person is not as genuine as you once thought.

i have been reflecting on my relationships these past few days and have noticed that i tend to work in cycles. i go through my phases of hanging out with different groups, and trouble usually starts when i try to bring people that i get along with together. i want my friends to be friends. it worked in college…it should work in real life right?

unfortunately no. i am starting to learn that it is okay if everyone does not get along, and it is okay to keep relationships separate.

i also can see myself slipping into a gossipy pattern- you start out “venting” to someone about someone else, and then you become that girl. that girl who talks about other girls. ewww. i am NOT that girl. i do not WANT to be that girl. so, in the spirit of fresh starts, that is ending NOW. venting does not always have to be to another person, and if it does, not to another woman, and done in a more constructive way.

as i am sitting with these thoughts and getting myself worked up and hurt, and judgmental to others rather than looking at what ive done to aggravate the situations, i read today’s meditation (well today meaning the devo I’m reading) on shereadstruth.com  and its about praying for your enemies.

praying for the mean girl. praying for the girl that’s talked about you. praying for the girl that is talking about your family. and not just praying for them blessing them. well then. i guess that is my message from above literally written out for me.

so more then just making resolutions to stay out of drama, to stay away and avoid, i now feel the nudge to proactively bless. easier said then done.

when you try to do this whole eat clean, live clean, be clean thing, the part when you realize its not just what you do but behavior and character changes have to also take place…that’s the hard part. to be the best version of myself means that i have to see the ugly parts, the petty parts, the mean parts. change not, cover up.

#delete

it was physically hard to delete that app. logging on after every meal, snack, cup of coffee to track calories for the past years is part of my routine. but I did it. it wiggled when I held down the little blue icon on my iphone as if to say “noooo don’t delete me” but I did. its been one day, and I am consciously trying to eat better foods, rather than play the number game of “what can I get away with”

the donuts brought to the office yesterday are still here, I still haven’t reached for them. deleting the app has not deleted my willpower…woo hooo

in a society that constantly looks at women’s size, hair, color, makeup, skin, and sense of style, its a little exhausting trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. its even scarier when those outside voices become internalized and you constantly nitpick yourself. this morning it was nice not getting dressed in front of the mirror. I put on clothes that were comfortabl, made sure my hair was okay, and off I went. and it was fine. no one said anything, still got compliments. the world didn’t end.