#chaos

“He brings our chaos back into order, he makes the orphan a son and daughter…”

My husband and I are taking this AMAZING class (by taking I mean auditing, and getting to pretend to be a cool college kid with Starbucks coffee cups and new highlighters) that delves into middle eastern culture, specifically culture of the early old testament biblical peoples. its amazing how words, meanings, and depth get stretched, lost, and morphed when put into English. one particular mind blowing class dealt with chaos.

In the early times, the word “yom” which roughly translates to “salty walters” or “ocean” was meant to represent chaos. Chaos that threatened our way of life, and land-ultimately a representation of destruction. Chaos was constantly nipping at the world created, the same way the ocean hugs the shore. When Elohim created the world, he separated the waters in two to create land; he divided the chaos, and ordered it in a way that we could survive.

The Ancient cultures viewed Chaos, or Yom as constantly trying to take life as we know it- our order, our community- and destroy it. Community was defined as living interdependently- independent, but always with an open hand. You lived to take care of those around you, and your community was your family.

It’s funny to think that in this day and age, we look at having our own individual lives in order. We are so bound up with the idea that our own homes have to be a certain way, our jobs, family, and even bodies have to fit a standard- but none of this is for the betterment of our community. We let chaos into our personal lives, we don’t even realize the chaos that is ravaging our communities.

#toobusyforlove

I have been blessed with an amazing husband. he treats me so well, he pampers me when I need it, babies me when I need it, is understanding when I don’t have the energy to cook, clean, or do household stuff, pitches in with running the house, and he still is so affectionate with me.

the other day when I was putting away food, I realized that when guests come over, I go all out. I cook great food, clean up the house, dress nicely, and sparkle. but on a daily basis, with my wonderful (and hot) husband, I barely throw together a meal, and def don’t sparkle.

I am an avid reader. I love romance, love stories, and happily- ever-afters. now that I have my happily ever after, I do not want to be too busy for my love story. too busy for the romance, for the date nights, for the glamour.

heres to putting in the effort, trying harder, and making my every day love story epic!

#struggle

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I struggle so much with discipline. disciple to walk away from places I should not be, to look away from things I should not see, and stop listening to things I should not hear. I lack discipline to stop speaking when I should, to not embellish stories, to not speak white lies. I lack discipline to not talk myself up, slightly put others down, stop gossiping, and harness my tongue. I lack discipline to consistently pray, seek his face, and read his word. I lack discipline to walk away from sugar and snacks. I lack discipline.

I have moments when I do well, and I am consistent, and I love the benefits.  love feeling healthy, love feeling closer to God, love having strong relationships based on truth. but then the sin creeps in. yesterday was horrible. I fell in one area I have been trying so hard to control. and I realize 1. if I am control I will continue to fail and 2. the sin I am committing causes others to sin. after doing said wrong deed, I told myself I would spend time in prayer to repent. I could not even bring myself to do that. I distracted myself with mindless tv and slept. I couldn’t bring myself to sit and reflect on my struggle.

this morning’s devotion focused on Potipher’s wife- we see her as the temptress, the seductress- the sinner. but I can be like that, I can tempt others to sin in small ways, and yet its so easy to demonize her.

 “Joseph recognizes sin as rejection of the one true God. The God who was with him in the pit. The God who was with him when his brothers sold him into slavery, and the God who will be with him when he is thrown into prison as a result of the lie Potiphar’s wife tells her husband. Because Joseph loved God and knew God’s love, he was able to escape and run from evil.”

Joseph RAN and escaped. Give me the strength to run Lord. give me that fear when I approach sin that I want to run and hide, not curiously draw near. help me to find strength in you. doing it my way only causes failure. over and over again.

#dislike

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I am generally a happy joyful person. I love people, and i invest in them. it doesn’t matter what your background is, what you’ve done, i am pretty open to talking to and getting to know new people. i was judged a lot when i was younger, and i try not to do that to others.

BUT sometimes investing in people emotionally, and even spiritually can be painful. it hurts when you’ve opened up to someone, encouraged them, hosted them, and later on find out that person is not as genuine as you once thought.

i have been reflecting on my relationships these past few days and have noticed that i tend to work in cycles. i go through my phases of hanging out with different groups, and trouble usually starts when i try to bring people that i get along with together. i want my friends to be friends. it worked in college…it should work in real life right?

unfortunately no. i am starting to learn that it is okay if everyone does not get along, and it is okay to keep relationships separate.

i also can see myself slipping into a gossipy pattern- you start out “venting” to someone about someone else, and then you become that girl. that girl who talks about other girls. ewww. i am NOT that girl. i do not WANT to be that girl. so, in the spirit of fresh starts, that is ending NOW. venting does not always have to be to another person, and if it does, not to another woman, and done in a more constructive way.

as i am sitting with these thoughts and getting myself worked up and hurt, and judgmental to others rather than looking at what ive done to aggravate the situations, i read today’s meditation (well today meaning the devo I’m reading) on shereadstruth.com  and its about praying for your enemies.

praying for the mean girl. praying for the girl that’s talked about you. praying for the girl that is talking about your family. and not just praying for them blessing them. well then. i guess that is my message from above literally written out for me.

so more then just making resolutions to stay out of drama, to stay away and avoid, i now feel the nudge to proactively bless. easier said then done.

when you try to do this whole eat clean, live clean, be clean thing, the part when you realize its not just what you do but behavior and character changes have to also take place…that’s the hard part. to be the best version of myself means that i have to see the ugly parts, the petty parts, the mean parts. change not, cover up.

#delete

it was physically hard to delete that app. logging on after every meal, snack, cup of coffee to track calories for the past years is part of my routine. but I did it. it wiggled when I held down the little blue icon on my iphone as if to say “noooo don’t delete me” but I did. its been one day, and I am consciously trying to eat better foods, rather than play the number game of “what can I get away with”

the donuts brought to the office yesterday are still here, I still haven’t reached for them. deleting the app has not deleted my willpower…woo hooo

in a society that constantly looks at women’s size, hair, color, makeup, skin, and sense of style, its a little exhausting trying to live up to everyone’s expectations. its even scarier when those outside voices become internalized and you constantly nitpick yourself. this morning it was nice not getting dressed in front of the mirror. I put on clothes that were comfortabl, made sure my hair was okay, and off I went. and it was fine. no one said anything, still got compliments. the world didn’t end.

#consistency

ugh. I struggle with this so much. I get excited about an idea, project, concept, or routine, and then after a few weeks of pursuit, I fall off the wagon.

in the beginning of this year I was so gung ho on eating right, exercising, and being healthy, and I’ve done pretty well, but I noticed in the last few weeks, I have slowly let bad habits creep in. when deciding to do what everyone isn’t doing, you face opposition. it could be as simple as slight teasing, to long justifications about why another person doesn’t care to do what you are doing. its funny because I don’t make it a habit to advise other people to lose weight, or eat better, when asked why I am NOT doing something, I simply say “I am just trying to be good today, or work on making healthier choices today” that usually incites a “wow you’re being good” or “well that’s easy for you, because you don’t have to worry about ____” in a sarcastic tone. I am not sure if this is because my choice to try and eat healthier points out that someone isn’t eating healthy, or because it seems like I am going overboard?

my personality as a whole is one that likes to please. I do not like to upset people, corner them, or make them feel pushed. so over the years I have compromised a lot of myself. whether that be in romantic relationships, family ties, or friendships, I give ALOT. ironically, the people that normally get the benefit of this, feel that the person I am now is “different” and not who I used to be. this is true. while they may take this as a negative thing, I finally feel free. I finally feel that I make decisions based on what I want, and what I feel to be right. I feel that I hold my ground more even when that isn’t the most popular.  my husband once said ” if you love someone, you are more real with them” poor guy, I love him so much and he gets the realest version of me- good bad and ugly. and I love us. I love that with him I can be myself, and its ok to say no, and make choices based on what’s good for us, and me.

so walking around between this inner struggle of trying to be healthier overall, but feeling like ive fallen off the path, I decided to make a decision this weekend. I can do this, I can be healthy, I can mentally be healthy, and push myself. today. now. despite what events are going on, what my schedule is like, etc. if I make excuses now, I will ALWAYS have an excuse. it started with something as simple as a colorful new journal, but I feel like a got a jumpstart. so here’s to a second wind and moving forward!

#babysteps

“…I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” Ephesians 4:1

2015 is here, and I remember a time when I thought that this year would bring flying cars, transporting machines, and we would all live in space….Instead society is a place where growing up doesn’t necessarily mean following down one certain path anymore. Age doesn’t mean maturity, and maturity doesn’t come with age… so what does it mean to live worthy of a calling?

As a woman, I am called to fill so many roles- wife, sister, daughter, career professional (just to name a few)…. how do I balance ALL of these and live a life “worthy of my calling”?

I am beginning to learn to live first and foremost in the knowledge that my primary identity is as a daughter of God. The words are beautiful, but LIVING it is hard. It can be hard to remember that you are a princess, when you’re struggling to be a wife.
hard to remember you are called for a greater purpose when you have to meet deadlines.

Lately i have been working on praying more. I can’t say that i do it often enough or that i am super disciplined…but baby steps! In doing that, I feel like I am growing closer to God.

A thought that has been resurfacing often relates to that truth. What truths am I allowing into my life? When i allow other people’s opinions, thoughts, and criticisms of me become truth in my life, I tend to believe more what they say and forget my identity in Christ.

HIS word is truth, above other people’s opinions. Before I let my mind wander, my self-confidence depreciate, or even just dwell on the words of others, I am trying to make conscious daily efforts to re-align my thinking and remember who my identity is in Christ.

I am loved, I am fearfully and wonderfully made, and I have a purpose and a calling.
Changing the way you think is hard, but it is life changing and awesome. It is so refreshing waking up and realizing that it really doesn’t matter what people want to project on you.

But now that I know who I am, how do I live a life worthy of my calling? I guess this blog is more of a record of a journey. The growth and stages of a woman and how that looks.

Here’s to a new year and new adventures!